i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
what day is it and did you see me today?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
