Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
