Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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