so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
