Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
