Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
