yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
