Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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