I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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