Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
