pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
