I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
