The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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