nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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