you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
