a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
