Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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