I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
