whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
