I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
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I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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