What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
