I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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