Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize