i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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