I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You ruined the universe
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
