I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
