:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
