I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
