Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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