I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
