if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
