just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
