My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
