I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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