When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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