my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
