At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
