I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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