Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
