I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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