well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
