six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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