and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
