wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
