And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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