I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
