So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
