i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
