I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
