I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
