Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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