I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
