is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
