If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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