stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
