Someone shit on the floor
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
