genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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